Fail.

Alright, so I know I haven't written in awhile but I have just been so darn busy and right now my head is about ready to explode unfortunately...

So, the title of this is Fail. It is this way because this week I had 3 exams and I had to get the strength and stamina every day for all three exams and all three days, including today. I was so excited that today would be my last day of exams, but I am sitting here crying. I feel aweful and such a failure at so many things right now.

I realize I am blowing things out of proportion right now, but right now I just need to vent and get it out in the open somewhere. This way if anyone is reading this, they can stop as opposed to my fear of being rejected from them. Anyways, I am a hot mess.

I just can't seem to get motivated to study for anything unless someone is with me, but I don't want to ask for help because that makes me feel stupid and like I am annoying other people. There are two specific classes that I need for both of my majors and right now I am failing both of them....the nice thing about only reading this blog is that you can't tell that I am painfully crying right now...anyways, I do not know what to do, I do not want to stay for an extra semester or two. I want to graduate in May 2012....so what do I do? I need psychology as my major and that is the major I am doing the worst in, but I love dance too much to put it as a minor...I have more of a chance passing for my dance major than psychology.

What if I fail both? Do I just undeclare and put both down for a minor? What I would do with that in life? I would have two minors with excessive credits that could make it a major, but that means what would I get my B.A. degree in? Like nothing! Fantastic! I suck at my life right now, I really want to blame my family for all of this because my family feels so dysfunctional and I can't help but worry about them. Ever since my secomd semester freshman year my GPA has been crap...

But I can't blame my family or myself for caring too much, it's just how I am. I can only blame myself, it is truly and utterly my fault, I thought I could do it and I guess I can't. I don't why I thought I could do it, but I can't....I simply can't...

Lord,
please hear me, I know you can't give us anything we can't handle, but I can't this....I can't, it's too much. Please take it away...please? I am tired Lord, I am so tired...exhausted....drained...I have never felt so exhausted and such like a failure in my life. Please....please....please....please Lord...please...

Crabby.

Ok, so I am feeling a little crabby today. I think it is because I have been doing so much and it feels like I am accomplishing nothing. I wanted to walk out in the sunshine but it went away when I walked outside. My laptop is deciding to fall apart. I am blowing things out of proportion with all my conversations with people and conjoured ideas in my head. I am human what can I say, so here is a picture to express my crabbiness...

HA HA! Okay maybe this picture doesn't quite define how I am feeling, but it is a pretty cute picture.

Alright, sorry for my little freak out. Sometimes I need it, it doesn't happen very often, but I just needed to vent a little bit to get things out instead of bottling them up...I am slowly working on it.

Okay, breathe and say a prayer:

Dear Lord,

I have so many things going on in my life right now that it is so hard to sort them out, I knew Spring Break was supposed to be busy, but I didn't think it would be this busy and crazy. I am just so tired of this semester, I am tired of feeling like I fail at everything. My dance piece is going to ACDFA, but it is only in the informal showing, but I am so scared for people's reactions to it, that they will hate it and just tell me that I suck at everything I do.

I know it's not true, but today it feels like everything is crashing, maybe I did need to go home over break, to breathe in some mountain air and spend time with my family. I do not know what it is, but I am pretty sure it is a combination of everything. Lord, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want you to love me and help guide me through everything that you bring before me. I just feel like a horrible person to others sometimes and I probably am to them, but I do try dear Lord. I really do try and the only one I really need to try for is You dear Lord :)

Thank you for listening to my prayer dear Lord, I love you so much and I know you can bring peace to my heart :)

I Love You Lord



So Much To Do...So Little Time

Alright so, I have a lot to accomplish over Spring Break and since I have been creating blogs and events on facebook to help raise support for my missions trip to Salerno Italy, that has consumed up much of my day and so I have to take a break from it because I am still not finished with it but I need a break and a list...

Sunday, March 6th

TO-DO...

-Shower
-Clean Room
-Finish writing support letters
-Extra-Curriculars
      APO
      NDA
      Class of 2012
      Dance Company
      S.A.
      BSLS
      CCCF
      RA

I think that is all for today, I will make a list for tomorrow :) Help me get everything done today that I need to Lord, thank you.

I am Just a Man.

I met the sweetest old man who told me one of his stories...

I volunteer at a nursing home a couple hours a week and as I was pushing this gentleman back to his room he started pointing to pictures on the wall and asked me where or what I knew it was and I had no idea. So he asked if I had a minute and I told him that I had 5 minutes and he said that was plenty.

He started telling me about the one picture with General Tibbets and that he was friends with this man and served with him. The one thing that General Tibbets is known for is that he was the first pilot to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I did remember this because I had taken a course not too long ago about China and Japan, we learned about General Tibbets briefly but I read about him because I did a paper on him awhile ago.

Well this resident had told me that he was the announcer for when Tibbets was going to drop the atomic bomb...

It's really interesting how the mind works and how much of an impact an event has on people? The whole time the resident was telling me this story he was crying and it was just making my heart melt watching him cry and almost reliving that memory again.

He kept telling me that as he was reliving the memory of when he had to speak, that the one thing he remembers distinctly saying is, "I am just a man" and when he said that I thought of everyone and how we are all humans, we are all the same. It doesn't matter how much materialistic things that one may have or that their reputation is a governor, congressman, celebrity, famous dancer, movie star...it doesn't matter because we are human and we are all the same...

I Would Like To Watch...

Something Borrowed - Total chick flick movie, but I dig it :)